I have been rumbling with vulnerability lately. At the end of last year, I had both a personal and professional losses. A loss makes me wonder about the purpose of things. But “purpose” is another blog entry. And exploring my vulnerable feelings makes me pensive, probably also another blog. Rumbling with vulnerability are Brene Brown’s words, and I have been doing it. Which simply is to say I’m embracing that I am human, I do have weakness and it reminds me that I am not perfect.
More specifically, as a parent, I feel a sense of inadequacy almost every day of the week. For different reasons at different times. Sometimes I feel like a don’t have enough degrees or experience to do the “mom” job well. Sometimes I feel like I am parenting alone. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a parent tribe to parent with. Lately, I have felt ill-equipped to deal with everything from the ingrown toenail my daughter let morph into what looked like an 11th toe to 7th grade advanced math homework. And last week I didn’t have milk in the refrigerator all week. My kids ate cereal with half and half. (They actually like that.)
There really isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wonder about my ability. Brene Brown was referencing executive leaders, but I have to take a stand – future generations are molded and shaped at home first. Parents manage budgets, diets, exercise, studies, social-emotional well being. We are part-time advisors, doctors, therapists, the list goes on. Well adjusted, contributing kids aren’t created in factories or corporate America. They are created by parents at home wondering if they are doing it wrong.
And I want what every parent wants – I want to raise resilient, happy, contributing productive children. I want them to feel free to love. Most of all I want them to live life with the confidence I wish I had had. The opposite of these traits looks terrifying in today’s world. In fact, the news would have us think we will raise drug addicts that will perpetually fail or worse live short lives ending in tragic death if we aren’t endless more conscientious as parents.
I am not weak or shy. I can attack solutions with complete outward confidence (and inside be shaking). This is why I am rumbling with vulnerability. I need to figure out how to let things that matter, but I can’t control, go. I also need to celebrate all the little wins. I had one the other day. My daughter told me she had been saved several times so far this year by not having a phone. I did the “winning” dance inside, however, the promise to hold out on giving my kids a phone until high school has not been easy. But I’ll take that tiny moment and hold it tight as I white knuckle through the next few years.
So, 2019 is the time to stop second guessing myself! Is it time to own the worry inside of me. Time to give up feeling fragile and know that fragility is part of the process. Live the future, learning from the past. Time to love that being vulnerable keeps me on my toes and helps me learn as I go. I can’t move forward if I don’t honor my vulnerability and choose to give myself grace and forgive myself for it.
Please pardon the photo not being credited. I pulled it from the internet and couldn’t find who to credit. It’s not mine but it is a strong point.